Dear Bitch That I Hate,

Now I know that hate is a very strong word and we all were told when we were younger that we shouldn't use that word but this is in great need and I feel it is the only word I can truely use to explain my feelings towards this girl.


Moving on from that,
Dear Bitch That I Hate,
Why do you torment me so and over myspace for that goes. I really don't understand. I don't even really know you. You practically ruined one of my friendships last year and then when we got back together you obviously felt that it wasn't going to happen on your watch. So you hurt her, then got her back because you are a bitch. Then you try and make it look like I'm the stupid retard that is in the back ground stalking... really? YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME. Then I say one thing and next thing I know its one up'd me and then to come to find out it was a lie. WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT??

Second off, why do you have to be a skank over myspace. Those are the worse. All you are looking for is attention from the creepers from around the world. Im sorry that you have made everyone from at least 75miles away hate you, but that doesn't mean its cool and alright for you to be quite the hoe over the internet. Grow up. I understand that might be hard for you and all meaning you dropped out of school a few years ago just got a job yet everytime you get a paycheck you blow it think that you can be a model yet you are ugly as hell itself. I just don't get it. You are almost twenty still live at home, have Hepatitis and Cervical Cancer.. and all you can do during your obviously quite eventful night is be a stupid bitch that likes to torment me for no god damn reason.

For the following reasons this is why I hate this stupid bitch.
Thank you.

From the girl that will always come before you. :)
-Kayla Renee

I'm Dying To Leave This Hell Hole.

I'm dying to feel what it feels like to be free.
I'm dying to feel what it feels like to be the real me.
I'm dying to feel what it feels like to not live in fear.
I'm dying to feel what it feels like to always have a smile on.
I'm dying to feel what it feels like to have a life.

Many of you think you know the real me, but truth is I don't even know who I am.
Ive always done everything to please someone, whether its my parents (specifically my father), the school, the FFA program or whatever else it may be.
Truth is, I want to know the real me.
Truth is, I'm afraid to meet her.
Truth is, I'm afraid of being a clone of my father.
I rebel so much right now just so I prove to him that I am nothing like him so I be everything he never was, but when I'm gone and I no longer have to live a lie in my own home, am I going to be the monster of him that I could have been born with.
I look at my little brother and it kills me to see him acting so similar to my dad, day after day. I know he bows down to him cuz ever since we were little we were told that he was "god". Now that I think about it becuase he doesn't rebel does that me that when I move on to Corvallis......will I turn into that?

I'm dying to leave this hell hole....
but afraid of the monster that I might become.

A Life Full of Dreams.....

Random Dreams:
→Get to the end of a rainbow.
→Go to every country.
→Own the full series of Will & Grace.
→Work as a Disney princess for a day.
→Be on a Disney channel show.
→Meet Betty White.
→Marry Robert Downey Jr.
→Then marry Lee Dewyze.
→Go shopping in New York.
→Attend Comicon.
→Attend the Country Music Awards.
→Fall asleep on a sandy beach with music in the background in the arms of a love. :)
→Solve the worlds problems.
→Help Invisible Children.
→Go into space.
→Serve on a submarine.
→Serve as a fighter pilot.
→ Win the Nobel Peace Prize. :)

♥Kayla Renee

Forgetting & Forgiving.

Weekends=excitment.
Its unevitable that every Friday or Saturday, I'm going to get a text or call asking the question what are you doing? My response usually consists of "Oh, nothing. You?" In the end it usually ends up with me hanging out with this person(s). This weekend was no different only I really realized who my friends are. Friday night I was with Ashleigh to begin with, then Justin joined, the Austin and Ashlee joined and I saw Chandra for about 6 minutes. Even though we just hung out at Ashleigh's it was one of the greatest nights of my life. I was around the people who made me happiest. I was around the people who make me laugh until my stomach hurts, the ones that leave a permanent smile on my face. That was just Friday, now Saturday is a different story. Ashlee and I took some time to actually hang out and not have another worry in the world, we drove for hours and I learned alot more about her than I never knew. I gained more respect in 5 hours for her than I had ever before in the 4 months she lived with me. After Ash went home and I'm watching the Santa Clause 3 at around 10pm, I get a call from Justin, randomly may I add, asking if I would go with him and Austin to go pick up his drunk parents and co-workers from Tri-Cities. At first I was thinking I was going to have to drive but in the end I was just there to keep them company. Even though it was 10:30 at night I couldn't say no. So we had an exciting trip up to Richland and back. I get back home at 12:30 and look back on all the wonderful people in my life. First and for most Ashleigh Hunt, Chandra Magnuson & Ashlee Montez are my stable support. I would be no where without them and it would kill me if they ever left me. Austin Turley and Justin Jones are my humor support, they can make my day it seems like no matter what the circumstances. Yes, at times they irritate the hell outta me but I tend to get over it pretty quickly because they keep cracking the jokes. So to you five, thank you, thank you for being who you are, and thank you for being there for me in the worst and best of times. You guys are my best friends and I wouldn't trade anything for you. =]

Question Of The Week:

Can someone or something really be your everything? What is the difference between that and something you love. Everything and love are they even really related? According to some people you can love and care someone but not be in love with someone.

Personally I think its a load of crap. Expecially if you have been with that someone for 20 years.

Quote Of The Week:

If, however, your feelings have changed, I will have to tell you: you have bewitched me, body and soul, and I love, I love, I love you. I never wish to be parted from you from this day on.

- Pride & Prejudice

Song & Lyric:

Nick Jonas,  JONAS

Give Love A Try

You, you like driving on a Sunday

You, you like taking off on Monday

You, you're like a dream, a dream come true

I, I'm just a face you never notice

Now I'm just trying to be honest

With myself, with you, with the world

You might think that I'm a fool

For falling over you

But tell me what I can do to prove to you

That it's not so hard to do

Give love a try, one more time

'Cause you know that I'm on your side

Give love a try, one more time

In your eyes, when I saw them for the first time,

And that I was gonna love you for a long time

With a love so real, so right

How did it play out like a movie,

Now every time it's beat can move me,

And I can't get your smile off my mind...

'Cause you might think that I'm a fool

For falling over you

And tell me what I can do to prove to you

That it's not so hard to do

Give love a try, one more time

'Cause you know that I'm on your side

Give love a try, one more time

One more time

Lasting Thoughts:
1. Appreciate the weather outside, it was here before you.
2. Sometimes in the end all you have is your friends, but your family will always come back.
3. Don't trust a cheater after the first time, they always go back for seconds.
4. If you have to hate, it better be for a good reason. Dislike indefinantly is a good.
5. Find what is right for you in the end. Don't let one person mess it up for you. Your better than that.

♥Kayla Renee

December: The End.

You know its December and winter is coming in Hermiston when:
a. The fog is so thick in the morning you can't see four feet in front of you.
b. The roads are getting slick in the morning and night and your dad has to finally fix the four wheel drive in your pickup.
c. Your mom yells at you when you go outside because you don't have a jacket on even though you are only going to the garage.
d. People are setting up christmas lights and christmas trees and all you hear about is the good deals a Wal-Mart.
e. All of the above.

Well if you said e. you are a winner. Hermiston is already a mad house. Most of the people that live in Hermiston have lived here a LONG time, but  yet it still seems that they don't know how to drive in the winter conditions we have EVERY year. Me being a mere 17 years old and only driving for 1 1/2 give or take some, I get SO irritated because people can't drive. I have even gotten used to these conditions and I haven't been driving near as long as most people. I really don't understand. I think people from Hermiston are the worse drivers during the winter season. If you think you can challenge that with your town I would really like to see.

Moving on. =]
I think I'm going to take a new approch to this whole blog thing. Going to blog how I feel when ever the time arises but I'm going to get on here once a week and have a quote, question, thought, song. Anything that my come to my mind.

Question of the Week

If you were afraid of hurting someone, would you let them go and just stop talking to them and say that you weren't a good enough person to be a friend for you just cuz you were in a rough patch in your life.

If you would I would really like to know why. What is the point of doing this. All you do is hurt that person more than you do if you would just tell them what is going on.

Quote of the Week

"The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself."

-Friedrich Nietzsche

Song & Lyric

Kelly Clarkson, Breakaway

Addicted

It's like you're a drug

It's like you're a demon I can't face down

It's like I'm stuck

It's like I'm running from you all the time

And I know I let you have all the power

It's like the only company I seek is misery all around

It's like you're a leech

Sucking the life from me

It's like I can't breathe

Without you inside of me

And I know I let you have all the power

And I realize I'm never gonna quit you over time

It's like I can't breathe

It's like I can't see anything

Nothing but you

I'm addicted to you

It's like I can't think

Without you interrupting me

In my thoughts

In my dreams

You've taken over me

It's like I'm not me

It's like I'm not me

It's like I'm lost

It's like I'm giving up slowly

It's like you're a ghost that's haunting me

Leave me alone

And I know these voices in my head

Are mine alone

And I know I'll never change my ways

If I don't give you up now

It's like I can't breathe

It's like I can't see anything

Nothing but you

I'm addicted to you

It's like I can't think

Without you interrupting me

In my thoughts

In my dreams

You've taken over me

It's like I'm not me

It's like I'm not me

I'm hooked on you

I need a fix

I can't take it

Just one more hit

I promise I can deal with it

I'll handle it, quit it

Just one more time

Then that's it

Just a little bit more to get me through this

I'm hooked on you

I need a fix

I can't take it

Just one more hit

I promise I can deal with it

I'll handle it, quit it

Just one more time

Then that's it

Just a little bit more to get me through this

It's like I can't breathe

It's like I can't see anything

Nothing but you

I'm addicted to you

It's like I can't think

Without you interrupting me

In my thoughts

In my dreams

You've taken over me

It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm not me

Remaining Thoughts

1. People please learn how to drive in the town you have lived in for years.

2. Keep your friends that mean the most to you no matter the concequences.

3. Follow what your heart tells you.

4. Keep your siblings close, they come in handy at times.

5. Appreciate the people who do the most for you.

♥ Kayla Renee

A Life Full Of Friendships Lost.

The friendships I make with people mean the world to me. I think its really one of the most important aspect of my life. I try to lead my life in an open inviting way, be kind to everyone and not judge by what I hear or what I know. Obviously everyone judges at one point in life, but when I met a friend, who I won't name we will call her Jane* for the time being, I heard everything over the sun about her good and bad. Jane was the one that everyone wanted to be friends with but only if she could help them when they needed it. So I got to know this Jane. I let her into my life and she let me partially into hers, which I completely understood knowing the situations she was in.
Most people couldnt really believe that we were even remotely close. We were complete opposites, from different sides of town and had completely different views on everything, but it worked. I considered her one of my best friends. We had a falling out not long back which really broke the friendship up for quite a long time. After not being on good terms we finally decided that it wasn't worth it to be mad at each other. Things happened Jane and myself realized that really we were just being foolish.
It took me a lot longer to really gain trust back with Jane. It was one of those situations where most people wouldn't even consider going back to the person that caused alot of problems. I finally noticed that she was being completly serious. She wasn't trying to hurt me again. She was really trying. I finally got the chance to go see her the other day. It was weird at first just because it was almost 4 months before that I saw her, but then I was fine. It felt like old times.
Not three days later, after I gained trust back and gave into her "Jane" ways as I would put it, she told me over a text mind you, that she wasnt someone I should be friends with. I knew her past but I didn't care anymore. A past is called a past for a reason. She kept saying I need to let go, leave, not come back again. If anyone knows me for about...20 mins. they would realize that I'm a very stubborn person, I told her no that I couldn't let go, I didn't understand. I was confused to the utmost confusion there could ever be. I didn't get what was going on. I didnt understand why she was doing this, all she would say is I'm not a friend you want. The thing she doesn't understand though, is she is a friend I want.
Ever since she sent that text that said "Bye", I haven't known whether she would come back or not. If she would talk to me after giving herself time to cool off. Right now I'm trying to get myself ready to "let go" if needed. I'm really hoping that it doesn't end like this. I can't stand to lose another friend. No matter if she comes to her senses it still kills me to say "Bye".

♥ Kayla Renee

A Time for Thanks

After Thanksgiving its really been hitting me, this could be my last year being with my family on Thanksgiving, if given the fact that I will be going to Kansas State and won't have the money to come back into Oregon everytime I decide I want to. I come to look at the family that came to us on this thankful day, no one. I don't think they realize that I'm not like everyone else in the family. I have dreams and I'm going to chase them. Im going to keep going after them till I get them in the grasp of my small hands. If that means not going to the near by community college or Oregon State than thats what it means. Im gone in less than a year. I won't be around anymore.
Losing touch with my family is really hard. It seems like the only time we actually see each other is if someone in the family dies or when the decide that they want to vacation near by. Its pretty ridiculous my family, they don't know me as a person, let alone know what I look like its been so long. I talk to my friend and I get jelous because she doesn't have time to talk to me because her whole family is down for the next 3 days just to be around each other and enjoy their company. This is the family time I have always wanted. My parents say, "I don't understand why you get so upset over something so small." But its not small, this is a big deal to me. I have always yearned for the chance to have a family that gets together no matter what the circumstances. Yeah, I understand my parents have never had that but I'm a new generation of people, I guess you would say, kids, teenagers, young adults need their family more than ever right now, and yet I sit at home with the same three on Thanksgiving.
Now don't get me wrong I'm thankful for my mom, dad, little brother and friends that I love dearly but I thought Thanksgiving was supposed to be a day where you gather with these friends and family and give thanks.
After my long time of venting I want to recognize the things I am thankful for:
→ Mom, Dad & Brayden
→ My Many Friends
→ My Ag Advisors, Leah & Sam, And All Their Hard Work They Put In Every Minute Of The Day
→ Having A Warm Home To Come Home To At Night
→ Among All The Other Things That Need Thanks
Even though if I kept going and remembering all the things that have been given to me this year, it wouldn't matter. I know what I'm thankful for. This is just a reminder of what I really need to look back on through the year and let them know how thankful I really am.

♥Kayla Renee